Yesterday, early afternoon, I finally called my mother to tell her why I stayed away for the whole month. I told her that my brother had trapped me, that his behavior was escalating, and that things were "moving toward abuse" or some such--I hadn't intended to modify it for her, but it slipped out. She said she would talk to my brother. I said okay and thank you.
Around 10pm last night, I received a text from her.
I talked to [brother's name]. I've asked that you guys agree to disagree & no more argueing.Things only devolved from there. I tried to be extremely clear and tell her that agreeing to such a thing 1) would make me feel like I had no way to stand up for myself and 2) would require a level of trust in my brother that I no longer have.
I've tried being tactful. I've tried cooperating. But my mother is not a good mediator, especially because she's involved, and she's also trying to force us to do what she wants, not what we want. It is so, so hard to explain things clearly and with reasons. It is so, so hard to retain respect for my mother when she's asking me to give an abuser another chance, without taking into consideration that I don't want to. She also threw in two lines of guilt tripping in separate texts.
For the record? I don't believe that "[h]e would die for [me]" and even if I did, what the hell does that matter when he actively hurts me in life? *still fuming*
Why does she keep asking me to do things I can't do? Why does she think that she or I can fix this? I'm not willing to place myself in danger just because she wants us to "get along." I'm not willing to deal with my brother without extensive family counseling, and even that I wouldn't be willing to do if he wasn't so involved in the family--or if I didn't have trouble with the idea of simply cutting ties. Not that I think family counseling is going to happen. 1) Not sure if anyone's insurance covers it. 2) My brother has very strong, negative feelings about any kind of therapy.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense or how much I'm rambling. I know that I will not do things on her terms--only on mine. The part I'm having trouble with is letting go of my relationship with my mother, should it be necessary.