Wrist Issues

I am writing this with a dictation software. My wrists are in agony and some of my fingers are as well. I spoke to the Dean for students with disabilities yesterday, and had a discussion about deadlines, papers, and my disability. We figured out that I am in a flareup, and that that is why I have not been completing my work. I have been subconsciously avoiding writing a paper that I think I will enjoy because my wrists hurt.

I have since had two professors suggests my dictation software. But I am not used to using it, and it is really hard to write papers through dictation rather than with my hands. I need to get used to the software, but I do not know how, much less how to do it quickly in order to get a paper written.

I think I am also fighting the idea that I need to use it and have been since I bought it two years ago. This is another part of getting used to being disabled instead of temporarily able-bodied. It is a struggle to remember that there are things I can't do, that there are things I shouldn't do, and that it's not my fault. I am having a negative emotional reaction, such that it is hard to speak this without crying. I think I've adjusted to mobility issues, and to asking for help when I can't walk or at least shouldn't be walking far, but it is a lot harder to recognize and to admit that I can't do schoolwork at times because I am in too much pain to do so. I have not fully made peace with what my disability does to me, and having multiple suggestions to do exactly what I'm doing right now somehow makes it worse.

I don't know how to make this better. I know how to take care my wrists, and I know how to take care of my hip and my knee, so that with time they will heal. It's the emotional stuff that I can't–but I don't know how to handle. There are a lot of “should” and “should not” statements in my head. Things like, “I should have written this weeks ago,” or “I should be able to get this done now,” or “I should not ask for two extensions from the same professor on the same paper,” and all of this based on a conception formed a in high school while I was still able bodied. I feel like I'm annoying my professor by asking for the accommodations that are my right.

In short, I am struggling with my limitations, and I think with internalized able-ism. I am not sure how to move forward from here.

Update re: finger

Well, it seems that at least part of my problem with my index finger was spending too much time on the computer. Or, that's why it wasn't going away. I spent most of yesterday baking, and very little of it on the computer, and guess what? It didn't bother me much yesterday, and I woke up with it mostly fine this morning. I'm going to take that as a win.

I may put some baked-goods photos up tomorrow or Monday. Possibly a few more, depending on what kinds of photos I take while I'm hiding behind my camera tomorrow. I already have better photos of animals than I've ever been able to take before, thanks to more and better manual settings on the Nikon D50 than my point-and-shoot camera has. I'm pretty excited, because I always want cat pictures to look at while I'm at school, but I only have a few that are any good (meaning, in focus and not blurry, not even necessarily good compositionally).

Owie

[TW pain]

Okay, so you know how I said my right index finger hurt earlier? Well, it STILL HURTS. I've already taken Tylenol, an anti-inflammatory, and my nighttime meds. But the Tylenol is wearing off, I can't take more for 20 minutes, and suddenly my finger hurts again. I've been icing it off and on all night, which helps temporarily, but not for long. And it hurts to type, damn it. I was trying not to cry earlier while I was trying to heat up my dinner one-handed. I don't know where this came from, or why, or what the hell I did to it.

I just know it hurts.

And that I want it to stop.

Is two days not long enough?

At my mother's house

[General TW for talk of uncomfortable family stuff, violation of personal space, and some discussion of medical symptoms]

Hello all! It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been busy, for a while. I had finals last week into Monday, because of an extension. I don't have grades yet, but the semester is done, at least. I drove home on Sunday after successfully closing my building.

It's an even bigger adjustment coming home this winter than usual. My alcoholic/abusive step-father finally left, after my mom kicked him out. That, of course, messed up family finances, and the end result is that my uncle is now my mother's roommate, which means I don't have a room anymore. My mother offered her bed, and I'm leaving most of my belongings in her room, but I'm sleeping on the couch because I am not comfortable sharing a bed, particularly with my mother, and to top it off she snores. The first night I tried sleeping in her room, I woke up at 4am to snoring and couldn't fall back to sleep until I moved to the couch.

Since I'm sleeping on the couch, and the couch is in the living room where everyone hangs out, I have to wait for my mom and uncle to go to bed, and then kick my brother out of the living room. I have no idea why he's been here every night until after everyone goes to bed. He just stays and uses his phone and iPod. It's weird to me that people spend as much time playing games and chatting on their phones as I do on my computer, which I *think* has more functions on it? But a side-effect of all this is that I don't feel ... secure... in the house. The outside door isn't locked until my brother leaves for his apartment, which is usually after I fall asleep (usually after midnight, which I'm not terribly happy about). I'm also used to two locked doors between me and my electronics and the outside world.